Not again

I try and close my eyes. Get the thoughts of her leaving and never coming back out of my head. Get the voices out that scream she doesn't really love you and this is all going to hurt again. Oh not again. I've been told my whole life to stop and think. Look ahead to the future. Plan things out better and take your time. I never listen. Where does this take me? To a dead end, stuck. I cant turn around and go back the way I came because now that way is being bricked off. Maybe I can claw my way out. Of course I'll be bruised and torn but I might make it out alive. Just please not again. The scars from my last escape are barely healed. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Upside down nausea wanting to throw up my emotions. And never feel them again. I'm trying too hard. I want this to work so bad I'd give my last breath to her. For her. I just want her to smile, and be happy. With me. Please not again. Don't show me what love would could or should look like then snatch it away. Please don't let me taste the sweet  nectar of a first kiss just to poison me once I swallow. Terrified isn't the word. I feel hopeless and destined for failure when it comes to love. I will never get this right. Is there a book? Maybe some guidelines to help me out when I'm stuck and need a push. The brick wall is closing me in. The darkness of that deep hole is trying to suffocate me. I won't wake and search for love. I won't cry for it. I won't cry at all. I will just know that love was never real. A figment of my illustrious imagination. I've been dreaming of it for so long I actually thought it was true to the masses. A possible ending to a happily ever after. Never again will I allow myself such stressful pain of this invisible treasure. The thought of a heart attached to mine. Not again.


P.A.T.