Fear.

I am afraid of you. The fear is growing and spreads to my eyes. I am blindly looking for the right path. Why don't you come with a warning label? Why isn't there a commercial listing all the side effects that come with you? The withdrawal of you is deadly. The headaches. The pain. The fear of you has only gotten stronger as I've gotten older. I thought by now I would conquer my fear and finally tame the vicious beast. Instead, once more I've been stabbed, murdered by the touch of my biggest fear. Do you know what its like to crave the very thing you fear? To only want that one thing, that in the end will hurt you. I allowed my fear to consume me and take control for months. For months I was blind and unaware that the end will be painful and broken. It came so fast that once I realized I allowed my fear to sleep next to me, it was too late. Too late to run and hide. Too late to try and regain my power as a human. See I fell. To get up wasn't an option since my legs were like jello and my mind was pouring from my ears. Things were a mess and to gather myself wasn't something that could be done. To gather myself is what I was trying to do in the beginning. Trying is something I've been doing since I learned that fear was inevitable. Trying to conquer my fear meant conquering myself. Conquering my inner self's hatred, and longing for true affection. Affection that I wish I could give myself. Affection that is taken from my hands and given to others, only to be returned with nothing but an I'm sorry I didn't love you. Why isn't love, affection and longing for a person's gentle whisper of touch that puts your soul at ease, why isn't it labeled toxic? Why isn't it labeled hazardous to your heath and the inhalation of another persons passion, poison and death will come. Have you ever inhaled the fate of love? Have you ever choked on the words you were screaming, hoping your lover would hear you. Hoping your lover, who you know is your poison, would give you the antidote to save your life? I walked, ran,drove, flew, and cried for the antidote which was never given to me. My love trembled as it seeped from my blood and laid on top of my skin. It was visible for you to see, touch and become infected with your own venom of power. Venom of your power over me. I am afraid of love. Afraid because once I give it away its gone. My love is now able to be desecrated and torn to pieces like it isn't valuable and sacred. The fear of giving away love is now a phobia. Haunted and reminded, I am now drowning in misery.




P.A.T.