Don't open on Christmas

To sound ungrateful is far from how my words are being placed in your ear as you read them with you eyes. Heavy. The feeling of now having a responsiblitly that I never asked for is a tad maddening. Forgive me if I sound like the gifts and promises never made me smile, be happy or complete. Now I just feel sick. Extremely shaken with the once again anger of your almost great acts of kindness. I just knew this time would be different. I just knew this time would make up for the past years of broken word, bond and commitment. I fooled myself thinking that in the last 3 years you are a new person. Fooled myself into praying that you would get your life together and realize all I ever need was YOU. All I ever, ever, ever wanted was you. Help me understand why you left came back and then left again? Why did you get my hopes up? Why did you lie to me. Having you believe that this time for the first time you would be exactly what I always knew you could be. My very first interaction with a lair. A conclusive, egotistical lair. I have loved you since birth and the only reason is because we are blood. We will always be blood but I'm drained. The blood in my heart is just about done and my brain is imploding from all the "what if's" and "why not's" of our relationship. It all seems so simple.  So easy to be a guiding symbol in a young girls life but instead you are exactly what I am afraid of. To say that you are failure is to say that my entire life has been based on the prayer that a failure would become a winner. A winner in my eyes for the first time. A child looks up to their parents for support, honesty, understanding and love. When inconsistency of broken promises and repeats of heartbreak by the very person you look up to is now drowning you. You now pour all of that paranoia, fear and doubt onto others. Never truly trusting another person. Never truly believing that in the end your peace will come. To say that I am a selfish individual might be true. I am a selfish child wanting the father that makes me feel and know that I can believe in myself and others. Instead I believe in heartbreak and broken promises. 

P.A.T.