Old is new.

It's not fair to project your previous emotions, pain and regret on someone who doesn't deserve it. To expect that new person to be exactly like the old. To make you feel inferior and less than a human again. The old pain and scars. The old wounds, they all feel just as fresh when someone new comes into your life making you think that once again you might be loved the right way. The nightmares begin and there you are laying in bed crying and trying to figure out why you allow yourself in these situations. The situation of wanting to be loved by someone who in all reality does not have to. Someone who before they met you was doing just fine and will do fine when it is all over. The biggest fear is falling. Falling for someone and realizing you're alone with no one to catch you. Breaking every bone in your body. Blood spills over the floor, soaking into the carpet. Maybe my idea of heartbreak is too harsh but the feeling hurts like a thousand knives and salt being poured into your wound. To like someone new is such a dangerous game. A game that you have no clue of the outcome. You could win or lose but that means the just the same for the other person. What do you win? Maybe love and affection. What do you lose? A sense of self trying to WIN that affection you so desperately crave. I wish this game came with cheat codes. Ways to get the outcome you truly want. The outcome you need. Maybe one day I can trust someone at first glance. Maybe even trust myself. But right now this new feels like the old and the once healed scars seem to be peeling again. Digging into my skin. I am ripping myself to shreds till there is a pile of what was me in the middle of the floor. A pile of me. Me. The one who at the beginning promised wouldn't let this possibility of a relationship get to me, under my skin. It's not fair to project previous heartbreak to a new relationship but if that's all I've ever done. How can I stop? How can I love?

P.A.T.